All that hate.
All that rejection.
All those people who made me feel like shit.
All those times I was drowned out, dismissed, ignored or treated like I didn't matter.
I still see it.
I still remember it.
I still see the bullshit.
"Oh, he's the owner."
"Oh, he's Weeb."
The moment you started treating me like some fuckin robot instead of a human being just because I owned a fuckin server.
People act like that shit doesn't leave scars.

Well It does.

And before anyone says that's unhealthy, trust me, I fucking know. I've lived with it every day.
I'm just tired.
Tired of pretending I'm okay.
Tired of pretending positive thinking fixes everything.
Tired of pretending a few nice comments make up for years of damage.
Tired of believing the hype.
Tired of believing that if I just kept going everything would magically fall into place.
Most of all I'm tired of feeling alone while everyone tells me they understand when they clearly fucking don't.

Because if they did understand, they wouldn't keep comparing my situation to theirs.

Gonna put an end to all you mf’s who think you understand my life. You don’t understand shit. Oh, so you think it's funny to talk shit about me? You think it's funny to pick me apart, laugh at me, judge me, and make me out to be some fucking joke?

You finally did it.
You finally stopped pretending.
For once, I don't have to sit here wondering what some of you really think of me behind closed doors because you've made it crystal fucking clear.
All that resentment.
All that judgement.
All that shit you've been saying, thinking and feeling while smiling to my face.
It's all out in the open now.

No more pretending.
No more acting like you gave a shit.
Now I get to see exactly what some of you really think of me.
And honestly? Fuck you.

Because people wonder why I'm angry. People wonder why I'm bitter. People wonder why I don't trust compliments or support when it comes my way.
This is fucking why.
I'm honestly sick of people acting like getting help is the same for me as it is for everyone else.

"It's not that simple. It never has been."

People tell me to just focus on the positives, listen to the foolish people who support me, believe in myself, get therapy from losers who never felt the presence of thousands, whatever the fuck else. But they don't understand that a couple of supportive people doesn't magically erase years of bullshit.

Years of getting built up and then forgotten about.

Years of people telling me I'm talented, telling me I'm going places, telling me I've got something special, then disappearing.

Years of hate, criticism, rejection, mixed signals and watching support come and go depending on what mood people are in.

People think a few compliments should outweigh all that. They don't. They fucking don't. And it's not just that either. It's everything else going on in my life. Every time I think I've got one thing under control, something else comes along and punches me straight in the face. It never fucking stops. Stress. Disappointment. Feeling like I'm constantly fighting uphill while everyone else seems to get a break eventually.

Meanwhile I'm sitting here feeling more alone every year. Because nobody I know has ever lived my shoes.
That's the part nobody gets.

People think I'm just looking for validation. No shit I am. You know why? Because after years of having your confidence smashed around, after years of your self-worth depending on how people react to you, a couple of people saying "you're great" means absolutely fuck all compared to the mountain of doubt sitting in your head.

And on top of that, when you've spent years feeling like the whole fucking world either hates you, judges you, laughs at you, or looks straight through you like you don't even exist, of course it's going to fuck with your head. After a while, you start feeling completely unseen.

I don't need one person to believe in me.
I need enough proof to drown out years of feeling like I wasn't enough.

to the ones who are still active and know who I am. I’m gonna be taking another break from this app.

discord’s honestly become draining for me and there’s times where i genuinely feel like deleting it and disappearing from it completely because of how much it messes with my head being on here every day. i don’t really enjoy being here anymore. it just feels like the same shit constantly and i’m tired of forcing myself to act okay when i’m not.

i’ve been struggling a lot lately with self worth, low self esteem, my physical health and just my mental state in general. i feel horrible most of the time but i keep pretending i’m fine because i don’t really know what else to do anymore.

idk when i’ll come back. maybe a few days, maybe weeks, maybe months. i just know i need time away from this app because right now it’s doing more harm than good for me.

If you need to contact me maybe just send me a message somewhere else.

Also a heads up; server events are paused until I return.

Bye

I want to apologise to everybody for how I acted. I lashed out at people who never deserved it, and what I said and did was completely uncalled for. I know I hurt and disappointed people that genuinely cared about me, and I hate that I let my emotions get that far. I also want to say that I do see the people who appreciate me, support me, and try to be there for me. I took that for granted, especially Yuni. You didn’t deserve the way I acted towards you or anybody else. Looking back at everything now, I realise how unfair I was.

Sometimes I have uncontrollable tempers and I become someone I don’t even recognise. I’m not using that as an excuse because my actions are still my responsibility, but I just hope people understand that person wasn’t really me. Deep down I’m honestly just a broken and lost soul trying to deal with things in my own head, and sometimes it all explodes in the worst way possible.

None of you deserved to be on the receiving end of that anger. I’m genuinely sorry for pushing people away and turning my pain into everyone else’s problem. I know apologies don’t instantly fix things, but I needed to say this because the guilt has been eating at me. I appreciate every single person who’s shown me kindness, patience, and support even when I didn’t deserve it. Honestly, the reason why I behave in this way is genuinely because you guys mean the world to me. You all honestly mean more to me than you probably realise, which is why things affect me so deeply.

Sorry again, and may is mental health awareness month. I hope everybody forgives me and stay safe.

Jonny x