Community Apology and Support Update

I don't really know how to start this.

I know I've apologized a lot already, and honestly I don't even know if people want to hear another apology from me. But I feel like I need to say something.

First of all, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for my actions, for the things I said, for the way I handled everything, and for the people I hurt in the process. What happened wasn't okay.

The truth is that on Saturday somebody attacked me pretty badly. I never really spoke about that part. It opened up a lot of wounds that I thought I had buried, and since then I've just been mentally and emotionally exhausted.

That isn't an excuse.
It's just the truth.

I reached a point where I was carrying so much stress, anger, hurt and frustration that the smallest thing set me off. And when it happened, I completely lost control of myself. Everything I'd been bottling up for so long came out at once.

At the time it felt like I was finally letting everything out. Looking back now, all I really did was dump my pain onto people who didn't deserve it.

And for that, I'm sorry.

You guys shouldn't have to deal with my breakdowns. You shouldn't have to carry the weight of my problems every time I hit a wall mentally. You shouldn't have to feel responsible for fixing me when I'm falling apart.

Looking back, I honestly didn't realize how much my actions affected other people. I knew I was hurting, but I didn't stop to think about how much hurt, stress and discomfort I was causing everyone around me.

If I had understood the impact it was having on people, I wouldn't have done it. The guilt from that honestly eats at me because the last thing I ever wanted was to become a source of pain for people I care about.

The truth is that I'm really not okay right now. I'm struggling with a lot more than I've let on.

Family problems. Work stress. Depression. Constant anxiety. Feeling like no matter how hard I try, something always goes wrong.

Every day lately feels like another battle.

And honestly there are times where I question my life, my future, and whether things are ever going to get better.

I'm exhausted.

I think I've been exhausted for a very long time. And I think I finally reached a breaking point.
Again, none of that excuses what happened. I know some people will forgive me. I know some people won't. And honestly, nobody owes me forgiveness.

If you're angry at me, I understand. If you're disappointed in me, I understand. If you don't trust me anymore, I understand. You have every right to feel however you feel.

I also can't sit here and promise that I'll never have another bad moment again. I wish I could.
But I'd rather be honest than make promises I can't guarantee.

What I can say is that the person you saw during that meltdown isn't the person I want to be..

It's not the version of myself I'm proud of. And if I ever reach that point again, honestly just block me, mute me, ignore me, do whatever you need to do. Don't feel obligated to deal with it. All I am deep down is a boy longing for love and belonging. Because I was never shown enough of it.

Nonetheless, I genuinely had no idea how much this affected people until afterwards. And that's something I'll carry with me.

I know I've made mistakes.
A lot of mistakes.
Maybe too many.
And I know there are people who are probably done with me after this. If that's the case, I understand.

At the very least, I hope we can part ways on good terms.

No more fighting.
No more drama.
No more hurt.

Just peace.

I'm sorry to everyone I hurt. And thank you to everyone who showed me kindness, patience and understanding even when I probably didn't deserve it. I'm exhausted right now. I want to say much more because it’s not just this. It’s a lot of things. But I don’t know how to say it.

But I wanted people to know that I am sorry.

Truly.