Is Forgiveness Overrated? Setting Boundaries With Family
Summary
In the FriendZone | Make Friends & Chat ⋅ Active Social Fun ⋅ Chill ⋅ VC community, we are discussing the complex balance between forgiveness and self-respect in difficult family relationships. This thread explores whether being the bigger person means tolerating disrespect and when it is healthy to limit access to those who hurt you. Join our supportive space to share your experiences and gain unbiased perspectives on navigating toxic cycles and personal growth.
I rly need unbiased opinions so tell me if I’m wrong. I’ve had a really complicated relationship with my mom, and things have been happening over the years that hurt me but mentally and physically. At one point things got so bad that I was genuinely being kicked out for no reason, and there have been moments where I was told I wasn’t her child bc I wanted to be with friends.
The worst part is that I dont hate her like that. I’ve forgiven her a thousand times before mostly because everyone kept telling me to and she'd say sorry but then she'd just do everything all over again and swear at me telling me she isnt and never has been sorry, and its a cycle cause she then apologises again. She’s my mom and I shouldn’t hold onto what happened, she'd promise me change just to end up the same. I don’t feel safe being vulnerable with her. She has been good to me, very very good for long periods of time. Its not like she is js bad, id say the good outweights the bad in quantity but not in impact.
I've havent rlly spoken out to someone outside my family. I think sometimes you can forgive someone and still accept that they’ve changed the relationship permanently. But I’ve been made to feel like I’m wrong for not trying or wanting things to go back to how they were.
So I guess my question is: At what point does ‘being the bigger person’ just mean tolerating disrespect? I think people push forgiveness way too much. Sometimes forgiving someone doesn't mean they deserve access to you again, even if they truly might be sorry.
Being the bigger person refers to being able to compromise and to be able to forgive.
If your mother is continuing in her behavior, even in an erratic way, then she’s not in a place to be forgiven. That’s the thing she’s missing, and it’s something she’s going to have to find herself. You can help her by voicing your grievances but that’s not something you should feel obligated to do after so many stints of this.
Yeah, I think that’s where I’ve been struggling with it. Mostlybecause she is stillmy mom and are under the same roof. I’ve forgiven her so many times because I genuinely wanted to move past things and other times because i was told to, but then the same behavior would happen again. I have also told her that i wouldnt forgive her because she has gone pat that stage offbeing forgiven, but when you live with someone thats doen you wrong somanytimes and everyonw else acts as if nothing happened you become the bad guy if you dont move past it. Its not only about feeling like the bad guy but also about feeling dumb for being the only one that still holds onto the anger even if well deserved.
No you havent missunderstood anything at least for what i know, thing is i already tried to get her into therapy and she just isnt up for that even after saying she'd give it a try. I dont live in a white household and im not sure how much that could help you to understand that sitting down to talk about not putting up with her behaviour isnt going to do shit for me but probs get me in trouble for trying to start something and that would be the best outcome i could imagine.
you all have answered my initial question although the solutions suggested are not doable in my current situation
sure ofc id listen to superman, hero of the people
goofy?
yes i know that, i was more interested in how you could relate
feel free to dm me then, your story so your choice
i wouldnt mind
I wouldn't even say you are holding on to anger as much as she is putting herself in a position to earn it. You drew a line; she crossed it, and now she is getting what she is due. Life is all about drawing those hard lines, and if you continuously let others redraw them for you, then people will walk all over you.
You made the right decision, and just make your position clear to others around you, along with the process of how you got there. Keep an open mind to whatever they say, but not so much that your brain falls out.
